I was taking a record of my relationship with with my father and I thought I should share this with you.
My dad and I have not always had the best of relationships. Dad was very strict and harsh and, you know, I was me, rebellious to the bone and very defensive, especially after being violated here and there and being exposed to what I can only term as a cruel environment. For instance, when I was 12, I lost a few schoolmates to crime; they were gunned down by the police, their ages 12-15. I remember the police coming to my class to arrest one of my mates (this was class 8). He had somehow seen it coming and asked for permission to use the bathroom. When the policeman got to class, the class teacher was happy to direct him to the washroom, where they both went, each standing at different entrances, waiting for John (not his real name) to come out. The laughter in the classroom, because we all knew there was no way John was in the washroom, and the cheer when, of course, they didn’t catch him. You should know that I was 13 here. My experiences amplified my desire for something more than what my dad was offering.
I left home when I was barely 18, came back shortly at 19 with a daughter, and left again. The years away from my father were not better; I didn’t experience the freedom I wanted, nor did I have the joy that I thought came from being away. I was really lost. It is important to tell you that I went home every once in a while for visits.
In 2021, I joined Mavuno Church. A few months in, we started learning about the “Orphan Spirit.” It sounds serious, right? Well, it is. It’s a spirit aimed at separating children from their fathers, but it manifests in so many ways beyond just physical distance. It breeds feelings of abandonment, deep mistrust, an over-reliance on self, and a suspicion of all authority.
As I absorbed these teachings, something incredible began to stir within me. Then we entered a season focused on spiritual fatherhood, and my God, I was broken! My entire view of fatherhood was shattered, and that ripple effect hit every area of my life – my perception of men in authority, and even my relationship with God. My connection with Him was as formal as formal could be. I kept asking myself: How was I supposed to change from running away from my father to moving towards him? How could I possibly embrace him? Yet, I knew deep down I had to, because mending our earthly relationship would undoubtedly elevate my relationship with God. And an authentic connection with God was what I truly craved.
Growing up, you only ever got close to Dad if you were on your absolute best behavior; otherwise, you simply avoided him. And I have to confess, I didn’t exactly strive to please him, so avoidance it was.
But there I was, actively seeking to shift the dynamic of our relationship. In that process, I started seeing just how much my father had actually tried to reach out to me all along. I remembered the day he came to school and hugged me, and how that unexpected hug had haunted me for years. I recalled countless times, long after I’d left home, when I’d visit and he’d embrace me, and I’d always find it awkward. My father had been there, loving me, all along. How could I have missed it? My mind had fixated on his few perceived failures – failures, according to me – and blinded me to his immense love. My dad had loved me too much, and too hard.
The realization hit me hard. So, I started reaching out. I’d send him heartfelt messages and tell him I loved him. I stopped caring for him out of obligation and began doing it out of devotion. Our conversations became easier, more life-giving. Now, I can hear him speak greatness over me and see him look at me with such pride. I genuinely enjoy taking care of him and cherish the words of praise that always follow. It’s truly beautiful to be connected with my father like this.
Do you, at times, concentrate on what’s wrong and miss out on what’s right?
I write to honor my father, Mr. David Nyamai, a man who is extremely funny and very admirable. A thrift king and a collector, a hard-working and wise man. My dad has shown me what it means to live a life of faith, how to be faithful in everything I do, how to care for things, how to turn trash into treasure, and most importantly, to be open to learn and grow. I celebrate my dad today, and I realize I can’t do that without acknowledging my Spiritual father.
In the hands of different fathers in Mavuno Church, courtesy of our movement father, Pastor M, I have learned what it means to be a child and how to call out fathers. I have learned to receive from my father and to desire to be a child that brings joy to him. Well, you know I have still fail many times, but I always go back because Dad is always waiting for me with open arms. I thank God for Pastor Muriithi Wanjau, who God used to deliver me from the orphan spirit and to restore me to my place as a child of my earthly father and a child of God.
How is your relationship with your father? Reach out to me, let’s talk.
